Question:
Why is it so difficult to leave a BPD?
What is the best way to do it without the self harm,
begging and erratic behavior that follows and
leaving the non-BPD with a lot of guilt.
I am drained by the last 3 years of draining
roller coaster rides. I need your advice to let
her go with love or should I just cut contact.
Sometimes I think I am strong enough to be
supportive but then I realized that my mind
get clouded in this whole thing and I cannot
seem to leave and do not even know whether
I love her or feel sorry for her anymore.
Thank you for you time.
Dr. Heller's Answer:
There are many possible reasons and they
depend mostly on the person who is with the
individual who has the BPD. I go over
the main type of people who fall in love with
borderlines in "Life at the Border."
The major reasons usually relate to the following themes:
1) It’s hard to leave someone you love (with or without the BPD).
2) When you love someone, and you’re afraid
they will collapse or commit suicide if you
leave, it can be especially difficult to leave.
3) When someone with the BPD
falls in love, the brain is flooded with
endorphins and their symptoms go away for
3-15 months. They are purely in the
"white" and feel enormously relieved to be
"rescued" from their misery. This feeling
can be intoxicating and hard to
surrender for the "significant other", even when it’s
no longer present. The memories and the
occasional "reminders" of how things were
can be extremely difficult to give up on.
4) Children, including stepchildren.
When you are raising your kids
(or stepkids), it can be
gut wrenching to leave them to be raised by
someone you know is unstable and mentally
ill. Choosing to suffer in order to protect
the children is a common theme, although it
rarely works out in the long term.
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