Question:
I finally found out I have BPD. I'm
not on any medication yet. I'm still ahead of
a long road to take care of my problem but at least
I know what's going on and I don't have to go crazy
anymore.
I have marital problems as well (not sure how much
my BPD and that is related) but I have no chemistry,
no physical attraction towards my husband. Intimacy
has been an issue between us for a long long time
and I'm not sure that working on my BPD will resolve
this type of a problem as well. I'm close to
getting a divorce.
Please advise.
Dr. Heller's Answer:
Intimacy requires trust and vulnerability. The
BPD destroys both. Without medication to stop the
anger, mood swings, paranoia, and psychosis, intimacy is
rarely possible. The brain cannot distinguish
between reality and what was remembered with emotions
(even if it was wrong). Because of this, individuals
with the BPD "remember" things that didn't
happen and mistrust their mate for things they didn't
do. When raging, individuals with the BPD tend to
attack the weak spots and hurt their mate, frequently
resulting in angry and hurtful remarks back at them.
No relationship can succeed if both individuals aren't
committed to making it a warm, safe, loving place to be.
If love and respect were there initially, and both
parties want to have a successful love relationship,
I recommend the following:
1) Both individuals get diagnosed and comprehensively
treated (my screening test can be a good place to start:
http://www.BiologicalUnhappiness.com/screen.htm,
2) The individual with BPD needs to get good at
using the as needed medications, especially Haldol
(haloperidol). Those with the BPD have to
understand that anger is a medical emergency
requiring immediate medical treatment.
3) Both partners need individual counseling and
marriage counseling.
4) Both partners need to read books together
and discuss them together, preferably with a 30
minute walk. It's a good idea for those with
the BPD to take the Haldol (haloperidol) prior to
the walk. Excellent relationship books I
frequently recommend are:
"His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray
"Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" by John Grey
5) Both partners have to be committed to personal
growth on a daily basis - reading, doing
affirmations, and listening to motivational
recordings. I have found that borderlines
who listen to Zig Ziglar the most, do the best:
http://www.Ziglar.com/catalog/product_info.php?cPath=21&products_id=28
Books I frequently recommend for this include:
"Your Erroneous Zones" by Wayne Dyer
"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie
"Happiness is a Choice" by Barry Neil Kaufman
"The Dragon Doesn't Live Here Any More" by Alan Cohen
"Why Your Life Sucks" by Alan Cohen
"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz
6) Most individuals with the BPD have spiritual
issues as well, including enormous self hate. I
commonly recommend the following books (with emphasis
on the near death experience and what we can learn from it):
"Embraced By the Light" by Betty Eadie
"Where God Lives" by Dr. Melvin Morse
"Many Lives, Many Masters" by Dr. Brian Weiss
"Messages From the Masters" by Dr. Brian Weiss
""There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem" by Wayne Dyer
"The Other Side and Back" by Sylvia Browne - ignore the predictions at the end.
Anger is not a feeling, it's a defense. It
comes out to give us the illusion of strength
when we feel weak, vulnerable, powerless, hurt
or afraid. Borderlines are "allergic
to anger." When they get angry their
friends and relatives break out in hives. That's
why it must be treated as a medical emergency.
The opposite of love is fear. Learning to
live one's life with love allows for intimacy and closeness.
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