Are Borderlines Unfit Parents?
QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
I am going through a child custody case with my ex-wife. Our son was born several years after our divorce as the result of a hoovering attempt by my ex. I believe he is living in a very explosive unstable situation. I believe this evidenced by events during the 3-month marriage and each attempt to reconcile.
My questions -
- Is it best to remove the child as early as possible from the BPD?
- Will he be unaffected by the BPD?
- Will living with the BPD subject him to the probability of becoming a BPD later on in life?
- Would you recommend to a court that custody of a minor child be given to an untreated BPD VS. a non-BPD?
ANSWERS:
- It really depends on how severe the BPD symptoms are. Violent behavior, raging, and substance abuse mandate removal of the child. The same is true if self-mutilation or other self-destructive behavior is done in front of the child, or if the depression prevents the BPD parent from parenting properly. This is particularly a problem if ADHD is also present.
- There is a concept in child raising referred to as a "good enough mother." Children will learn from their parent's attitudes and behaviors. Some will grow up determined to not be like the BPD parent, others will use it as an excuse to be dysfunctional themselves (similar to substance abuse problems, particularly alcoholics).
- The genetics are high, but there are no identical twins separated at birth studies to really give this answer. A fair percentage of borderlines are good people and try to be good parents despite their disorders. Child abuse will definitely increase the risk of the child developing the BPD as well. One potential problem is the anger and transference borderlines go through can harm the relationship between the child and the other parent, this is particularly true when the BPD parent has custody. Since they can remember things that didn't actually happened as true, they can be extremely convincing.
- It depends totally on how severe the BPD symptoms are and what the mental and emotional status is of the non-BPD parent. A high percentage have problems themselves.
