QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
Hello. My mother is hard to understand, maybe you can help me with this. I am a forty year old woman that lives in Arizona and family that lives in Alabama. I have two teenage children and I am still married to the same man after twenty-two years.
I have a mother that feels I should leave my husband and my children and take care of her. I went home this past summer, my father had cancer. He is all cleared from this now, but the entire time I was home all she could or would do was try and draw the attention away from my father. She was told that he should rest and not get upset. But that was the very thing she did. She fussed at him and made him mad the entire time. Then she placed the blame on one or the other of her children, telling each of us that we never do anything for her. We each did the things that would help them both but still my mother did not like any of it.
A few years ago my older sister passed away. My mother fired the minister and told one of my sisters who was having a very hard time dealing with all of this that she would give the service. This all came as quite a surprise to all of us. But what was even more upsetting was my mother sitting in the hall talking as loud as she could about my father's many affairs. People where passing the halls and any that might have seen her might have thought her a mad woman. I walked over to her and told her that she should have more respect for her daughter that was lying in the next room dead. She said she did not care. And just kept on going. She looked at me for the rest of the service with hate in her eyes.
It was at the last minute that we all came to the conclusion that one of our sisters had not been informed of the death of our sister. I had been out of town so I felt sure they would have told her. But when I asked they all said that mother said no. She would not be invited and that if she wanted to know things that went on in this family then she should call more often. (This coming from a mother that never picks up the phone even when she knows one of her children is sick in the hospital.)
After the service was over my mother walked to her car and got in with a smirk on her face. She told me I could walk back to the house. I started to walk and what really surprised me was that no one even offered to pick me up until after my mother was out of site. Later on in the evening after all was gone, it was just me and my mother and father. She told me that my sister who had delivered the service had stolen from my sister as she lay dying on her bed. She told me that the church had given my sister money to pay for some bills she owed and my sister had stolen the money and some clothing. I questioned this because it did not sound correct to me. My mother told me if I had any love for her in my heart at all I would give her the money that my sister had stolen. I asked her why she thought I should give her this money. She said because she was the only one that deserved it. My father looked a bit shamed-faced, but agreed with her. I told them that I would place a head stone on my sister's grave. My mother demanded that I give her the money so that she could make sure it got done. I refused, and gave the money to my oldest sister instead, my mother found this out and started in on how I was the only child she never really wanted, how my father had raped her and she got P.G. with me, and that she had always hated me. That I was the reason for all her problems. That she never wanted me to begin with.
I did not let this deter me. I went right ahead and gave my oldest sister the money, and the head stone was put in place. I do not understand my mother's reasons for doing the things that she does. Maybe it is for attention. But it seems to go much deeper then this. I don't understand her desire to lie about her family and keep us from her. Nor do I understand her drive to keep her children from being a part of each others' lives. If she finds out that one of us is talking to the other or that we went some place together she gets mad and accuses us of talking about her behind her back.
If all of this where not so true it would be funny. But it hurts and it keeps us all from being the family we should be. I would blame it on old age but this is the way my mother has always acted.
Can you help me put some light on this. Maybe if we all could understand what is going on in our mother's mind then maybe we could all better deal with her.
Thanks.
ANSWER:
You might want to take a good look at the histrionic and narcissistic personality
disorders, as much of what you described is consistent with these diagnoses.
Her behavior is clearly bizarre, and you're having a hard time dealing with it. In
the strongest terms possible I recommend you seek professional counseling for many
reasons, including getting some validation regarding how bizarre this behavior is.
Unless your mother wants to get help, you won't be able to help her, but you can make
a difference for you and your life.
