QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

First, let me just say that you have the most comprehensive and complete site on the web I have found on BPD. I recently started researching this disease after hearing a radio show on the subject. I was married for four years to what I now believe is a woman with a severe case of BPD. For 14 months I was almost clueless, I had never heard of borderline personality disorder. After hungrily devouring just about everything on your site over a period of 3 or 4 days I am convinced, and also relieved in a sense that I have found my answer that she never really gave me. How could she, when she doesn't even know what's going on within herself.

Weeks leading up to our divorce she began consuming alcohol on a regular basis. I understand from your dialogue that BPD should stay away from alcohol, they are "allergic" to it, and it can be very damaging in causing an episode of dysphoria or "seizure". It all is starting to make sense to me. I sincerely thank you for the ground-breaking work that you are doing here. I believe your efforts will contribute to mankind greatly. It has sure helped me put together the pieces of a very complex puzzle.

My question now is how can I help her? I've thought about going to her parents, but I'm almost certain that her mom has the genetic disease as well, and her dad is stubborn and would never talk to me. To complicate matters, I am a religious person and they are atheist, so you can imagine the complexities of my situation. I want to buy your book "On the Border" & "Biological Unhappiness" for her, but you suggested that BPD resent it if you tell them that they have the disease. You stated, that it is better for them to find out on there own. I live in CT now, and my ex-wife lives in AZ. If I mailed the books to her without my return address do you think it would be too obvious? I can't stop thinking about the old person I knew, we had so many great times together. I want to help her, because I have this new found knowledge now, not because I hope to get back together with her, necessarily. Although, if she could be cured, and wanted to I would want to try to "start over".

Have you had cases of this before? Is it a case of David & Goliath for me? Many people tell me to just move on, but I'm stubborn & very persistent. Can a person with BPD, once cured or on the road to recovery ever hope to look back and be able to distinguish between reality and psychotic, dysphoric, misinterpretations of reality?

ANSWER:

Based on the huge number of patients I’ve seen who have recovered phenomenally well, I believe they can recover. You are correct that they have to recognize that the "bad" memories may not be trustable. If they are willing to overcome their fear and look at things anew they can have a successful relationship.

Most aren’t willing to do that. The ones that are can overcome this fear and love intensely. Borderlines are capable of extraordinarily intense love that their partners find irresistible. I visualize those with the BPD as trapped inside their neurology. Many are wonderful, kind human beings who would be sensational in every aspect of life without the misfiring neurology.

The best thing you could do is have the books sent anonymously, possibly directly from Amazon as a gift. Perhaps you know someone from another state who could mail them for her. She has to look at the information without pressure or stress. I greatly appreciate all your kind words.