QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

I recently was left by my wife, she said that she wasn't happy anymore and she got tired of my problems that I have in my life and I think it might be me that is the problem.  Also she had been on Xanax when we met.  I was on an anti-depressant when we met.  I was into my 3rd week after my daughters mom left me when I met my wife.

I fought my ex with everything I had in me and I got full custody of my daughter, but the reason my wife left was that I was and had in the past masturbated to pictures of anything sexual. I tried to keep it from my wife but I really wasn't trying hard, I had been doing it since I was about 10, I had a cousin who abused me when I was 10 and that’s how I learned about orgasms. After the abuse, I continued to masturbate and I am 40 years old now and after 2 years of marriage my wife left me because she felt unattractive and unwanted because of my almost addictive masturbating.

I have tried to figure out what was wrong with me for the past 3 weeks. She left me on the 12th of November and I have only heard from her once, by letter, saying how much I had hurt her in the past because of this fixation of masturbating, but since she left I don't have the urge to do it, I guess because it has ruined my marriage. I want so bad to put my life back together, I would do anything, I had a hard time dealing with my daughter's mom leaving me that I couldn't show my love for my wife enough.

I was preoccupied with getting her (ex) out of my hair and my wife was dealing with my daughter's little problems, like not listening and talking back and the things that 7 year olds do to defy you. I also was going through attempting to get disability because of a long term back problem. I had been through a lot because of my back, I had a test done called a discogram that caused an infection to set into my spine, I was in intense pain for about 4 months because of it, The doctors didn't know why I was having so much pain, ( spasms, very intense ones at that) They put me in the hospital once because I was having problems urinating, and after I had come back to the emergency room for the 2nd time they finally did another MRI and determined that I had an infection, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and was on intravenous antibiotics for 4 months after that, then almost a year on oral antibiotic.

All this on top of having to deal with my ex's being a jerk about everything, I got disability finally and I got married and I thought everything was going great until my wife told me she wasn't happy anymore, that she was tired of all the stuff that went with me, plus raising another daughter (she has 2 grown kids, both who just had babies who are 2 years old) she said everything was building up in her head until she had to go. I wasn't aware that she was unhappy, and when she left I was devastated and still am.  Trying to figure out what happened for 3 weeks will take its toll on a person. I know for a fact, I am still trying to figure it out, plus the fact that my wife won't even talk to me because she was so hurt because of the masturbating, and I don't know what to do.

I love her and want her to understand the stress I have been through the past 4 years, so we could possibly work things out. This is the first time I have told anybody about my being abused when I was 10. I just reread this and I have come to the conclusion that I am a screwed-up person and I want so much to be well again. I was wondering if I sound like a hypomanic to you? I really need to know what I should do, I miss my wife so much, every time I think about her my eyes start watering and I cry.

Please give me a direction to go.  Thank You.

ANSWER:

You are almost certainly using masturbation as a drug, in a manner identical to substance abuse. It won’t work to make you better, just like alcohol, cocaine and marijuana are really not answers either. If you want to have a loving, healthy relationship, you need to be much better and learn how to do so.

Like everyone else, you need all your diagnoses made and comprehensively treated. It sounds much more like the BPD is going on than bipolar, although both are possible. I strongly encourage you to look at the screening test I use for my patients, as it will give you clues to your diagnoses.

The right medications make such an enormous difference. So does retraining the brain. It doesn’t matter how much suffering you’ve gone through, what matters now is the future and the choices you make in the present. My books and this Website will make a huge difference for you. Get some information and make the goals to be well so you can get the happiness and love you really want. It’s definitely there for you if you do the right things.