QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
I have been married for 2 years to an enigma. Shortly after we got together I realized he had a drinking problem. Within the first few months he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that has since been cured. But from day one I became his caretaker. I thought with his new lease on life he would stop drinking and begin to straighten out his miserable life, which he continually assured me he wanted to do. He would stop drinking for 3 or 4 months and then go back drinking to excess as always. By excess, I mean beyond the point of no return. He would fly into unexplainable rages, black out or pass out.
During one of those episodes, he physically abused me, fluctuated between reality and somewhere else. He called me by someone else's name, in a voice that was not his. He went from moment to moment, telling me I was the best thing to ever happen to him into spitting, hitting, telling me to call the police, to crying and asking for help...He ended up in jail that night. But to me it was like a bad movie. I had never seen nor imagined anything like that. We ended up getting back together with his promising it would never happen again. And it hasn't, in over 3 years.
As time went on he began telling me horror stories of abuse and sexual molestation as a child. By the way, his family denies any of it is true. They say its just his way of getting attention and that he's always had a big problem with lying. He has been diagnosed bi-polar, manic depressant, ADHD, with anxiety. He's been put on so many medication combinations I can't remember them all. With lithium he was able to quit drinking for 1 ½ years, but he was still the same miserable person. They tried Depakote instead and that didn't help either. So they put him back on lithium with Paxil, Zyprexa for bed and a mild tranquilizer.
Nothing seems to control his rage. I've told the doctors that he fits a borderline profile more than bi-polar. The first doctor said borderline doesn't exist, the next one admitted that he may have been misdiagnosed, but said it doesn't matter the meds would be the same. He's finally going to start DPT this month but I really don't think he will complete it. He never follows through with anything, especially if it might help.
He has no highs, only lows or rage. There doesn't seem to be any other core personality there. No values, no sense of right and wrong and he's always trying to back track and make things right but he doesn't know how. He has no object constancy with me or anyone else, even his one year old son. We are either perfect or rotten and useless. He's told me because of the sexual molestation by a man, he doesn't know if he is gay, even though he denies any attraction for men. He has threatened suicide numerous times and I've had to bring him places to be stabilized. The last time he told the hospital that he thought he was going to do something real bad to me and possibly our son. He was sober, but hung over that day. He can have short periods of normalcy, from a few moments to an hour or so. But its as if it is impossible to sustain it. I can watch him change in front of my eyes, he clenches his fists and he turns mean, but only in front of me. Its as though his nice, pleasant moments were an act for other people.
We've found that there are tests that can be performed , medically, to steer people to the right medication regime. But all his doctors refuse to order them done. I'm running out of energy, doctor. My toolbox is empty and we need HELP. Any input from you would be greatly appreciated. I've only touched on some of the aspects of my husbands problems, there are many more I assure you.
Sincerely, Desperate in Maine
ANSWER:
First of all the correct diagnoses need to be made. Then the effective
medications need to be used. From what you wrote it doesn't appear that they have
been. There's a world of difference between "medicine" and effective
medicine. There's a great deal of information on this Website that could be of use
to you in this regard. The
FAQ section in particular will likely
give you a wealth of information.
You also need to decide what you want. If he is unwilling to get treated
successfully this will be a recurring theme in your life.