QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
I HAVE TWO STEP-CHILDREN AGED 12 & 14, BOTH BOYS. THEY EXPERIENCED A VERY BAD DIVORCE 7 YEARS AGO THAT LASTED 2 YEARS. THEY ARE VERY ACCEPTING OF ME AND THEY HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS. I FEEL THE SAME WAY. MY CONCERN IS THEIR HATRED TOWARDS EACH OTHER. ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION, THE OLDER HAS THREATENED TO KILL THE YOUNGER AND HAS USED SPECIFIC DETAILS IN HIS THREATS. THE YOUNGER CHILD PROVOKED HIM BY THREATENING TO START RUMORS AT HIS SCHOOL ABOUT HIS SEXUALITY. IN THE PAST AS WELL AS THE PRESENT, THE OLDER CHILD HAS BEEN VERY VIOLENT TO THE YOUNGER TO THE POINT OF BEING BRUTAL. HE HAD BROKEN HIS BROTHER'S ARM SEVERAL YEARS AGO AND ANOTHER TIME STABBED HIM ON THE CHEST WITH A STICK, CAUSING A NASTY ABRASION. THE YOUNGER HAS ALREADY BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ADD AND IS BEING TREATED WITH ADDERALL. THERE HAVE BEEN SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO TAKE THE OLDER FOR AN EVALUATION BUT HE WENT INTO A RAGE WHEN HIS MOTHER ATTEMPTED TO TAKE HIM LAST TIME. HE IS VERY CONGENIAL WITH ADULTS BUT DOES NOT HAVE ANY PEER FRIENDS. HE HAS VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM. WE BELIEVE IT IS DUE TO HIS WEIGHT PROBLEM. WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING THAT WE KNOW. WE ARE DESPERATE TO HELP THESE CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY THE OLDER, RESUME A NORMAL LIFE. PLEASE GIVE ME ANY INFORMATION THAT YOU CAN THAT MAY HELP US. WE WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE YOUR EXPERTISE.
SINCERELY, A CONCERNED STEP-PARENT
ANSWER:
The story is extremely scary and needs attention immediately before a tragedy occurs.
You don't need the child's permission to get him help. If raging is the problem
he may need to be hospitalized. Absolutely do not take this situation lightly.
He not only needs counseling, but likely medication as well. Even if he is afraid of
medication the consequences of not treating what sounds like depression, and possibly
more, are very frightening. I'd highly recommend you go through the screening test I use for my patients as well as the back cover of
"Biological Unhappiness" so he can see things in himself.