QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
Recently I found out my ex-boyfriend has BPD. I did not realize this until I began to work and train in the mental health field. Your web site really gave me more information to verify this. My ex-boyfriend had been sober for about three years when I met him. He was a deacon in the church. Now he has began to drink and no longer goes to church except to show his family that he goes to church. We have been together for a little over three years. His really destructive behavior started about one and a half years ago. On the surface it looks like when he met me all of his abusive and addictive behavior came out. But the reality is when I had met him he had just stopped seeing a 16 year old girl (a sexual relationship) and had a "friend" that did slave work for him as long as he allowed her to stay around regardless of who he was dating.
His first child's mother ran from him because she said after a month of meeting him and dating him she could not stomach the thought of being with such a moody control freak. So he really had issues before I met him. Also, he does not tell people that when his alcoholic relative moved in next door he began to complain about the liquor smell but later began to drink himself. I feel sad, hurt, betrayed and somewhat confused. The last night I spoke to him he was angry because I had him take my mother to my house at the same time he asked for the key to get in to get something he had left. Essentially he became very angry at me because he felt I did not trust him when that really was not the case (he felt I sent my mother to watch over him).
I think that because of the past (he had left me while I was pregnant and began to form a relationship with a female that was really only out to set him up for a sexual harassment suit, which he never saw coming even though his behavior was somewhat inappropriate within the scope of a land lord-tenant relationship). My confusion comes from not knowing if he will seek help for his BPD and his discontinued sobriety, how much help I may need for the damage this relationship has done to me and my children, and will his BPD lead to many more rage attacks and bad judgments. And lastly, whether the price to my esteem and my children are too high to stay for the chances of positive treatment.
I am angry because his family is looking at me as if it is my fault that he is drinking again. His mother always told me he is not a middle man either - he loves or he hates you, classic BPD. Will his behavior get worse if untreated? He is 39. He can be sweet at times, but you never know which times. This relationship takes up a lot of (what I feel can be productive) time with arguing and hating. I always tell him I do not hate him, and why does he always say he hates me when we argue. I do not want to become angry and hurt again by him, yet I think maybe with treatment we can work things out. Is this unrealistic, seeing that right now he believes and has his family convinced that "I" am the problem. I do not want to feel the blame or the hurt anymore. Is there hope?
Thank You.
ANSWER:
From what you described he is heading down a very bad path. Alcohol with the BPD -
especially untreated - usually has a bad outcome. He has to willingly choose help, no one
can force him to pursue effective help.
While you are not to blame for his problems, you described many things about yourself that
could be a problem for you and your children, and I highly encourage you and your children
to get into therapy. The book "Are You the One for Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis
could be of enormous assistance to you.
