QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
I am a 23 year old female. For the past 2 ½ years I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I have even attempted counseling once and am currently on my second counseling attempt for some sort of explanation, and HELP!!!
Let me explain my situation: As a child I was sexually abused by my babysitter once. It was never talked about after I told my mother. As I transitioned into adolescents I became rebellious and very angry. I was picked on a lot by my peers, doing anything for acceptance. Often finding myself in extremely embarrassing situations of people making fun of me.
My parents did not allow me to do much of anything with my friends without giving everyone the third degree. Also very embarrassing. So, I would just do things behind their backs. My grades fell to barely passing and I was always in trouble. As a way of control, my father began to physically and emotionally abuse me (i.e. telling me I would never be anything when I grew up, or calling me a bitch or a slut). At one point, I called Complex Partial Seizures as a cry out for help. The Complex Partial Seizures worker told my parents that I was a spoiled brat - so my parents said.
I guess it would be important to know that I started substance abusing when I was 14. I engaged in self-mutilation when I was 14 as well, and tried to commit suicide when I was 15. I was sexually active at 15. From the ages of 15 to 18 I was an extremely angry person. I engaged in many many physical fights with both females and males. I loved to hurt other people. I wasn't really mad at them. It was like a way that I could release my anger. I couldn't care less what happened to me as far as if I was to ever get beaten up. I was always expelled.
Now that I am a young adult, I experience extreme moodiness. I have periods of happiness, which can disappear in a matter of minutes. I feel like a roller coaster. Very unstable. It ruins my relationships and is ruining my present relationship with my boyfriend. I find myself emotionally badgering my boyfriend. I am so irritable. I can't stand to be around anyone. I wish everyone would leave me alone and quite bothering me. When I am approached with a stressful situation I can't handle it. I cannot make decisions and I cannot control my anger. I blow. I can't explain it very well, but when I am angry or stressed I feel like I am not even present. I can hardly remember the situation or what it is I am mad about. It is very strange. I would just like to feel happy --levelheaded.
I feel hopeless that I will never feel good about myself or life in general. When I turned 22 I started abusing alcohol to the point where it damaged my pancreas, affected my work and got me arrested. Anyhow, the sequence of events probably don't flow too well, and I am sure that I have left many details out. Maybe it's even a little confusing. But, I am hoping you can shed some light on my problem.
Do I have BPD or am I just strange? I keep thinking to myself that something has to be wrong. Life just can't be this miserable.
ANSWER:
It appears highly likely you do indeed have the BPD. You described criteria 2, 5, 6 and
8. Five criteria are needed for the diagnosis. Here is the
official
criteria.
The
FAQ section
and
BPD section
has a wealth of
information that can get you started.
I believe the BPD is a medical problem that has psychological ramifications. I highly
encourage you to get treated.
