Q. Married 17 years to high school sweetheart and we have been together over 20 years. After 17 years of marriage, we have our first child. When our son was 3 weeks old, I found out that he was seeing another women and had been since I was 9 months pregnant. This wonderful bit of news combined with post parteum was extremely difficult time. He then confessed to me that this was not the first time and he thought he was a sex addict. He told me that he was very unhappy deep down inside and that it had nothing to do with me. He says the sexual experience make him feel good about himself. It only works if he tries to pick someone up the challenge of it. He say when this happens, he would verbally punish me. He felt so guilty that he would blame everything on me. He grew up in a household were his mother seemed to be always screaming at her husband or kids. To this day, I have seen her start belittling her husband over an inconsequential action. I guess I thought this is what my husband learned as a child but maybe it is what he inherited. 3 of sisters have the same types of issues/problems, despair and rage. During my pregnancy, there were two other major pressures on my husband, new house and his company buy-out. To get to the point. I kicked him out of he house. I realized after a month, that he was suicidal. Though I could barely stand the sight of him, the only way I could help him was to stop yelling at him. I then began to share his son’s daily events with him. I desperately wanted to start/maintain the father/son relationship. My husband began therapy a miracle for him, he began functioning better, and he was put on Paxil. He has since been trying to maintain a relationship with me, afraid of my divorcing him but at the same time trying to keep his distance from me. He says he is working on his issues, trying to be a nicer person, better person. The Paxil has taken away his rage, he says he cannot make himself get angry anymore. Anyway, I found the website information on BPD and it fit him perfectly, I never knew such a disease existed. He read it and said it is about 90% accurate in describing him.
So where are we now. He wants to move home but cannot make me any promises. He cannot promise to tell the truth, he cannot promise that he will not have affairs again. But he does promise that he will do his best and that he rather die than do this to me again.
I don’t know really how to take this. Is it being honest? Is it trying to live in 2 worlds? Is it an escape hatch so that he can say he didn’t promise? Is the happiness that he now feels, permanent or temporary? He is no longer going to therapy, he was told they couldn’t help him, that he had to himself. After 40 years of living this way, I’m not so sure he has the skills to do this is on his own. He says he is no longer scared of therapy and will go back if he feels he needs help.
From the beginning of this nightmare I was very confused because I never thought he was a bad man and couldn’t believe that he was just plain bad. Nothing added up and I just kept pushing him for answers. To this date, I still don’t feel he is being completely truthful with me, I caught him in a small lie and tried to explain the significance of it to him. But I think he still feels that what I don’t know wont hurt me. And that I should accept the fact that his heart and soul are with me always.
I’ve told him I want 2 things, The truth always, no matter what, no guessing games, no omissions and if he is a recovering sexaholic – no extracurricular activities.
Any advice, on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.
A. Whether or not you choose to stay with him, he's still your son's father and you will have to deal with him.
The first advice is that a good diagnostic evaluation and comprehensive medical treatment be started. In my experience Paxil is never enough by itself. Both of you need counseling.
Assuming he does do well, the issues of trust and respect need to be conquered. They will take some time. Some tools I frequently recommend are:
1) reading books out loud together for a minimum of 10 minutes twice daily so that you are starting from the same framework,
2) getting into marriage counseling together, and
3) writing down the most important rules and both of you sign them.