Q. I am 31 years old and have suffered from BPD for 2 years. It has been under control for about 6 months. I feel that I am having a relapse. Lately I have been having strong desires to be punished. I have a constant feeling of guilt. I haven't been sleeping or eating. I have lost 54 lbs. in the last 3 months. In the past I have had many instances of self-mutilation. Now I seem to be focused totally on being punished either by myself or by someone else. I have even gone as far as contacting men over the Internet to come to my house and discipline me. I have been beaten on my bottom with paddles, hairbrushes, and hands until either bruised or bleeding. Please help me I am afraid. I don’t know what to do. My therapist has stopped seeing me due to change in insurance. I don't have a psychiatrist now, my family physician is prescribing me my psych meds. Can you tell me, could I be re-lapsing? Is this characteristic behavior of BPD?
A. Yes, what you're describing is very consistent with the BPD. Chronic dysphoria - anxiety, rage, depression and despair - often leads to the behavior you described. I'd be suspicious you experience deja vu and a sense of unreality a great deal as well.
You need a good diagnostic evaluation and treatment approach. This website should be of enormous help to you.
Do understand, however, that your symptoms are very treatable - and you can feel much better very quickly.