Q. Out of the 9 traits, 6 or 7 appear to be right on the mark...however, I want to give you a digest version of the relationship and get your opinion. I met my boyfriend 1 year ago...during the course of our relationship this is what I learned. He was brought up in a fairly affluent family...father was cold and very stern, verbally abusive my boyfriend was the oldest boy of 5 kids, father drank, smoked and ran around with other women until a heart attack and then he quit for a few years and then started up all over again until he had a series of heart attacks and finally died at age 53...the mother suffered so badly in this relationship that she couldn't even live alone after he died...nervous breakdown or what I still don't know...she has since died now too. My boyfriend and his 4 siblings have a total of 13 marriages among them...they range in age from 44-60. My boyfriend was married 20 years and then his wife asked for a divorce, leaving him with 2 teenagers to raise...kids are now 30's...female is bi-polar...then my boyfriend remarried about 6 years after the divorce and was married 6 years when the 2nd wife left him for another man...(of course I just thought it was alot of bad luck at first) they were separated 2 years before he finally filed divorce papers...that is where I entered...the divorce was final but not the settlement which entailed the sale of a house in which he lived...during this past year it was a constant battle with him and her about this house, bringing alot of stress to our relationship...the 1st 8 months went pretty good and we were considering a more permanent relationship (he was the one ready for a commitment) then he got what I thought was cold feet and all talk of the future stopped...2 months later he had a panic attack so serious he sought treatment and is now on Klonopin and Zoloft, also having therapy once every 2 weeks since. I did not know until then that he had sought therapy and been on medication after the first divorce which left him practically immobilized, except he was a high functioning person and excelled in business so no one was the wiser...he has a great need to be liked, feels he was invalidated as a child and those feelings are ever present inside, although on the exterior he is a charismatic, confident, in-control kind of guy...the fits of anger no one ever sees but me and his children...he has not been diagnosed as BPD but is being treated for anxiety and depression...I forgot to mention that up until 3 years ago he was also a heavy drinker but joined AA and therefore I have no idea what he was like before that...the house sold a month ago and instead of pursuing our plans to be together he has taken an apartment...said he needs to find himself and work through this mess in order to be able to feel confident of himself to handle a successful relationship that he still feels he wants with me. I have opted to take a time out of sorts and let him be on his own to do this, I am tired of the chaos...now he is feeling much better some days and others not, although most of our communication has stopped because I am hurt that he chose to get an apartment after all the planning but the therapist has told him he is making improvements...after reading this book Stop Walking on Eggshells and all the emails I have read on a support system, I am terrified that he might have BPD and this will start up all over again...is it possible that he is only suffering from anxiety and depression and do people sometimes have traits that resemble BPD but don't really have it or am I in denial?? He is hoping to go off the meds within a few months as the DR told him it would be a 6 month program but he wants to get off them even sooner...the therapist has discussed his childhood at great length with him and now has him doing a homework assignment of projecting where he wants to be in 90 days, 180 days, 5 years...he tells me alot of what is discussed in therapy and is very intelligent and is the first to admit he needed help...is there hope for some type of normal relationship?? I don't want to make a mistake at this point in my life and in reading the emails about evilness, he doesn't really have that aspect, is basically kind and caring and honest but very impatient and rages about things to me that are unrelated to our relationship about other matters that most people would never get so upset about...it ends up ruining our time together...I don't know if the man I met if the true person or the one he became for about 3 months and now he is nearly back to the man I met again...the therapist told him that the last 3 years took it's toll on him and that is what he is resolving...he wants closeness with me and then he says he needs to be alone to "find himself"...I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster ride for the past year...any suggestions or comments?
A. First of all, borderlines are not "evil" people, although many "evil" people also have the borderline disorder.
A few comments on your letter - presuming he does have the BPD....
1) It's unusual for older individuals to successfully get off medications - but medications can be a miracle at any age
2) having a bad childhood or bad adulthood doesn't mean the BPD isn't present. The BPD is a medical problem
.
3) anxiety is a symptom, not a disease, although depression and panic disorder are clearly disorders.
4) the hope for a healthy relationship depends upon
a) making all the diagnoses and getting them treated for both of you,
b) the commitment on both parts for a successful relationship, and
c) the commitment to read and learn every day about being better and more successful in everything that's important.