Q. This weekend I began researching the source of the problems I have experienced with my wife over the last 3 years. Friday I used the internet to attempt to locate starting point to find out what I was dealing with, knowing others must have similar experiences. For quite some time I couldn't get queries to fit, then I hit upon personality disorders. I spent a couple hours with an internet mental health area which has a diagnosis device, with questions to answer.
I have deeply researched another area in my life which I call the project so had learned how to take notes even of things which didn't seem to fit a pattern to eventually find a common thread and potentially a source of empowerment for the power structure creating the expressions I was observing. My personality type in a Myers-Briggs type indicator is INTJ - 'scientist' so in a way finding out what was going on is the way I function. What I was trying to say is, I took quite a few notes prior to researching personality disorders.
Today I drove to Oregon State University and spent the morning in the library. I was having difficulty clarifying core level priority of several personality disorders. Borderline fits most closely so must be the core operational component, also obsessive-compulsive and paranoid have components which are expressed. Any suggestions on how to integrate my observations, symptom descriptions and power structure models. I haven't found models yet, haven't reached that phase as this weekends efforts have been exhausting. Then I want to find someone who has potential to assist us with working through a resolution either an end or a beginning.
We have been living apart for almost two months. Last weekend I finally completed a letter to her which she was demanding to have written almost before she asked for it. It included everything I had thought about and what conclusions I had reached in terms of forward progression of our relationship. Basically there is no where to go unless she can accept that she has a problem and commit to treatment. I am very willing to help with this as a basis for the future. I am not willing to continue being severely abused and deceived for doing the correct things. It finally reached a point where the cycles were no longer acceptable forms of living. I like simplifying my life and appreciate quality time and being close to natural cycles. With her it's a constant state of new absolute needs that have to be committed to right now and before you can even begin working on them she has a new one. Her children also have a strong hold on her and manipulate her constantly, it's almost like she can't learn and will do anything to avoid confronting them with reality. She is not much closer to her older daughter who has her own set of deep problems and control issues. Combined they are just too much for me, even just my wife alone is too much. I can't continue to not interrupt the empowerment strategies for this sickness in terms of my involvement. It destroys every aspect of life and seems to want to exist between a distant ideal situation and present benign compared to it, it's like the area where life is lived is the one which isn't allowed to exist.
And then there is the paradox, she has such great qualities when this illness isn't dominating the situation. But even that can't be appreciated because of the pervasive nature of this thing. I think there is a long wave portion of it which affects everything at a broad level and degrades things in general almost at a deceptive hidden level and the short wave one which is episodal. Alcohol will definitely loosen the restraints on the short term cycles being empowered. But, also, the pattern is always there and easily accessible even without activating an episode.
Sorry to be so long winded and probably not well tied together. I have my notes on the computer and am wondering if they would be of any use to you, with some cleaning up. Or is this well documented enough that they really wouldn't be of use to you?
I made some mistakes in my letter to her, after reading some articles I would do it a little differently next time, the main thing is it needed to be done. It just doesn't make sense to keep trying to work in a system which will convert love and support into things to be suspicious about and find ways to disempower what is good in favor of things which will continue to support the power structure. What is the path to change? How do others deal with the false accusations and legal implications of divorce when one person is not dealing in the real world. I'm not talking divorce yet but she is and because she plays the edge all the time you never know if she will find the energy to act on it or is it's a one up play for control. If she thinks you might be thinking about something, like divorce as just one instance, she will try to get there first and fully empower being in control of doing what you usually never got near decided to do.
I suggested finding a way to recognize when the cycles were operating and her learning to stop the event progression, replace the part which relies on me doing what's wrong with me doing what's right and rebuilding what will happen from that perspective. How can she build trust or functional realities when she will do almost anything to avoid reality verifications and impose the 'evil' me into her thought process instead of the real me. She will boldly proclaim she's right and her feelings must be validated even in the face of completely overwhelming contradictions to what she is claiming. Then it becomes a case of I'm just a better arguer than she is but she's still right she just can't talk to me about anything. I need help. She really scares me at times.
Any suggestions on how or where to go from here?
I can even, later, write something that more conforms to the categories of your main page stuff. I'm just exhausted tonight. Thanks for having a site to write to. Your subject is partly what I've been looking for and couldn't find. Maintaining sanity inside the power structure of this sickness is difficult. I consider myself to have a strong personality, it must be frightening to hear what happens to people who don't have it all in one sock when they enter into one of these earth shakers.
A. I think you're looking deeper than you need to. I believe the BPD is seizure activity in the brain's "cornered animal" response, the OCPD a genetic trait where the "Life and Death" switch is turned on. My new book "Biological Unhappiness" explains them thoroughly.
There is no way to protect yourself from false accusations. It's a serious and horrible problem, where the victim is left unable to defend him or herself. Everyone loses, especially the children.
The best thing to do is for you to get help for yourself. Instead of focusing on her, see if any diagnoses are present in you and get them treated. Have a good therapist work with you about your own thought patterns and needs and turn this into a positive experience. The screening section from my new book is available for free at my website: http://www.biologicalunhappiness.com
The principles for everyone remain the same: get all the diagnoses made and treated, then retrain the brain. The front cover of Life at the Border is often helpful for someone with the BPD to recognize themselves.