QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
My partner and I have split. She says "she wants to be free". She is 39, I am 41. We have been together 15 months and our lives seemed happy. Now 1 month on, she will not communicate with me, rejects my letters and messages of love. The night before she went, she said she loved me and we were discussing our weekend break ahead, which I had to cancel. She has had 'problems' in her past of running out on relationships - a commitment phobic. I profoundly love her and I am breaking up from my loss, I know not what to do. Please I need desperate help.
ANSWER:
While I don't know about the dynamics of your relationship, you described the
likely problem - a lifetime pattern of backing out of relationships.
Unless she is willing to search for the reasons she does this and learn how to have a
happy and successful long term relationship, this pattern will likely continue for the
rest of her life. You can't force her to do this.
I can understand that you are very sad and disappointed. It may help to recognize that if
the relationship had gone on for years and then she abruptly left that things would have
been infinitely worse. I highly recommend you read "Are You the One for Me?" by
Barbara DeAngelis.
