QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
My wife and I have been married four years now. She is 50 and I am 48. My wife is an R.N. and a perfectionist, with 4.0 GPA in college and in life. Our sex life is the most wonderful thing and we both get so much enjoyment from pleasing the other. We are also very religious and do not drink or do anything harmful. She is a beautiful redhead and for the most part is a most compassionate and caring woman and is highly liked at work.
The problem is that my wife has a temper such as I have never seen even in a man. Her first husband physically and mentally abused her for years and almost killed her a couple times. Everything in the house and her work must be perfect. The least little mistake and her right eye closes about halfway and her eyes turn grey and she goes ballistic. She sometimes will yell, scream and throw things for hours on end or even two or three days. And any word from me at all just fuels the fire and makes it go on even longer. She remembers every little mistake ever made by me over the last four years and I have to eat those mistakes every day. And she knows the Bible so well that she can almost destroy a person with it when she is at this point. But when she is not mad, she reads and studies her bible every day.
This week we went to Arizona to spend our fourth wedding anniversary together. The first two days and three nights were full of passion and we made love time and time again, we couldn't get enough of each other. But the third morning, we were laying on the couch talking and I glanced at the TV momentarily at a football score and she could not hold her temper because I had lost her attention for a few brief seconds. She yelled for hours and talked about the last four years as always and after eight or nine hours of it, I blew my top and told her she had to let the past go. Well, that made her even more furious. She went on for three more days and nights. The last day she refused my anniversary gift of a two carat baget diamond ring and a new wedding proposal (long story) and took her wedding rings off.
I don't know what to do, I haven't been able to finish a sentence in four years. She will not agree to a marriage counselor because she was a psychology major. She does not like physical things much; in fact, she will buy nice stuff like furniture and after a month or two she gives it away. She decides that the house isn't right and we move every six months or so. She changes hospitals every three to six months. But yet, her work at the hospital and the housework and cooking and lovemaking are total perfection and that's where I can't fit in. I make little mistakes and she watches and listens for a fault in every word.
I have been walking on eggshells for four years and I don't know what to do. I love this woman with all my heart and I believe she loves me, but I simply am not able to make her happy. I am a third degree black belt and she scares me sometimes and has slapped me so hard that my whole head would go numb. I can't remember being hit that hard my any man in heavyweight tournament competition, and she is a little thing, maybe 125 pounds.
I am open to any help and/or advice you may offer. I simply don't know what to do. Please help me or turn me in the right direction to get help.
Thank you in advance.
ANSWER:
From your description she appears to at least have the BPD and OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder), and if she has the BPD she is desperately in need of medication. These diagnoses have been present her entire adult life. The temper and rage are extremely inappropriate. The FAQ section in the "ask the doctor" section of my Website can give you lots of information. You should get into counseling yourself to find out why you are staying in such a painful marriage.
