Dear Dr. Heller,
I was never miserable as a child. I came from a Brady Bunch family. I don’t know what my problem is. For the last couple of years I’ve been depressed. After my first love left me, I tried to commit suicide. I felt so lost and saw no hope. I always feel insecure and need constant reassurance in relationships. I read about personality disorders, and connected most with dependent personality disorder. My biggest fear is rejection. If someone leaves me I go out of control. I fly into a rage and feel this intense heat come over my body. I always feel like its my fault, and end up in total depression. Some days I have road rage so bad and feel like “so what” if someone hurts me, it will be better than feeling this pain.
Also I’ve noticed that all I do is complain about my problems, and the solution to me seems out of reach. I read your list for mentally happy people and realized that I put my happiness second to the person whom I’m in a relationship with for fear of rejection. I know that is not normal and it scares me. I carry anger around with me everywhere, mainly for lacking self confidence in every aspect of my life. I can remember as early as the second grade not finishing a project because I thought that mine could never look as good as my friends.
I know this is long, but I’ve never spoken so openly about myself. Now that I look back at what I’ve wrote I can’t help but feel like I’m defective in someway. I envy happy people. I don’t want to live my life miserable and afraid anymore.
You appear to have some medically treatable diagnoses. Prozac should have a profound effect in stopping some of the depression, rejection sensitivity, chronic anger and moodiness. The screening test I use for my patients may be of help. You possibly have the BPD as well, and I’d recommend you read http://www.BiologicalUnhappiness.com/AskDoc/First-Do.htm
Patient Sign In
Ask the Doctor
Dr. Heller will regularly answer questions regarding the Borderline Personality Disorder and other biological causes of unhappiness. Please search, look at the FAQ and the archives PRIOR to submitting a question.
Unfortunately, Dr. Heller is not able to answer every question, but will answer questions that can be helpful to many readers. Please be concise. Long questions cannot be answered.
Please email your question to Dr. Heller at: BUaskDoc@Yahoo.com